Divorce: The Process, Predictors and Protections.

Divorce. That is a nasty word. I hope it's not even in your marital vocabulary.

Did you know that 70% of Divorcees, two years after the divorce, said not only that they could have saved the marriage but that they should have saved the marriage. 

Also, did you know that 62% of American Children have spent time living with others than their own parents (such as a step parent). 

Today I'm addressing a few points of divorce regarding the process, the predictors, and the protections against it. I do this with the hope that knowledge will prevent the mistakes of ignorance.

Process of Divorce:

• Divorce really peaked in the 70's. 
• This is when No Fault Divorce was instituted-Meaning one needed no solid reason (i.e. abuse, etc.) for divorce, but it could be completed just because someone wanted to, and neither party was held accountable.
•  Marriage became a contract not a covenant (it was considered a covenant in legal terms, not just in religious terms)
• Problems with Child Custody arose.
• 2nd and 3rd marriages are more vulnerable and more likely to end in divorce then 1st marriages.
• Children of divorced parents are more likely to perceive “out” to be a solution, instead of “work it out”.

Predictors of Divorce:

• Parents who divorce are much more likely to have children that divorce.
• Emotional instability affects the quality of marriage and even post marriage recovery. 
• Lack of an effective model (children whose parents divorce, or raised in unstable home)
• Children raised in unstable and non-traditional marriage homes have a high level of anxiety about marriage, and even second guess after marriage. 
• Cohabitation increases divorces significantly more than if a couple remains separate until marriage.

Protections from Divorce:

• Center family, and marriage on Jesus Christ and His teachings.  
• Learn to solve problems! Even before marriage!
• Don't share marital problems with anyone but spouse --unless seeking counseling (in which it should be done together) or in abusive situations.
• Date properly (you will marry not just WHO you date, but HOW you date)
• Have open and effective communication (takes hard work!)
• Avoid attachment with others outside of marriage (including too close attachments to siblings, parents, or friends whether male or female.)
• Do not engage in private activity on social networking sites (share passwords or accounts)
• Never look at someone in such a way that you would not want your spouse to know (including "Facebook stalking" or viewing pictures on other social networks).
• Avoid blaming spouse (for infertility, hardships, stress etc.).
• Just be smart!

Often times an “adults crying is called complaining.” When we hurt, or are lonely, or need a little extra-attention we send out “feelers” seeking more attention and to see if others will respond. It’s a subconscious cry saying you need to feel loved. Yet it comes across as complaining or belittling to the other party. If communication is not adequately given to the other party, then often as their own default mechanism they start to withdraw. Not because they don’t love you, but because that is their coping technique.  

However, any divorce almost ALWAYS starts emotionally first. There is a sort of emotional detachment from the spouse as one partner feels or does one (or multiple) of the following.

• Feel they can be a little more independent-not share things with spouse.
• Misread or do not communicate accurately the portrayed feelings from spouse.
• Making bonds with others beside spouse
• Being hurt by spouse (whether intentional or not), and keeping those feelings to self or expressing them to others outside of spouse.
• Not disclosing true emotions (not communicating feelings)
• Being a “score keeper” (i.e. I did the dishes, can’t he at least take out the garbage, or I feel/do this and this, and he does nothing!)
• You don’t laugh together or surprise each other, romantic life decreases (sometimes this is due to one spouse “holding it as punishment” and trying to make the other spouse feel bad. This is the “adult crying” mentioned above.)
• Repeatedly easily irritated by spouse, think negative thoughts often about spouse or your marriage, and disagreements quickly escalate to fights.
• Etc. Etc.

It’s important to catch these flags and make sure you always lean into each other, trust each other, especially emotionally. Communicate. Whatever happens, make sure that you aren’t “leaning away” or withdrawing from each other in anyway.

As read in the Deseret News it says, “Don't panic if your marriage fits some items on the list - just take action from this day forward to put your relationship in good repair. Marriage is an edifice that needs to be rebuilt every day. In every other aspect of your life you do maintenance - on cars, houses, clothes, jobs.

"Now think of your marriage as needing continual restoration and revitalization. The investment you make will come back to you.”

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/31816/EMOTIONAL-DIVORCE-LURKS-AROUND-THE-CORNER.html?pg=all

What Makes Someone Gay?

Let me elaborate on my last post. 

It's not that Gay isn't real. It's not that people don't REALLY have those attractions. However, there is a lot more to it than meets the eye. Even those (male or female) who struggle with same-sex attraction often don't realize or see some of these things.

I ask that you read this with an open heart and an open mind. And if you really want to understand... you will. I don't doubt that there will be those close minded, hard-hearted, and firm in their ways and that this entry alone will bring a lot of controversy. This also is not intended for children's ears, but parents can use it at their discretion. I am mainly posting this in an effort to help the following people. 

• Those who do not understand Gays, and don't know what to think, or how to act around them.
• Those who are struggling with Same-Sex attraction, and don't like it, want to change, or even just to understand it.
• Those who are not sure what their stance is regarding this topic.

First off, I truly believe that there are those who literally struggle with same-sex attraction. It's not something made up. However, it is important to note, that it is NOT inborn, and it is NOT permanent or unchangeable. 

 Homosexuality is not genetic. There is no "gay center" in the brain. Statistic that claim there is, have been twisted and turned to say what others want to hear. Yet, truthfully they prove otherwise.  However, there are genetics, inborn traits and qualities that are consistent with the gender at birth. That means that your gender is an essential characteristic of who you really are, of your divinity. 

So what is "Gay"? Why do people experience those feelings and tendencies?

Now this is where things become especially delicate. If you know of someone who is Gay or you are innocent minded please be cautious as you read this. Also be tender in your dealings with others, so as to not offend. 

Being Gay is not a matter of sex. It's a matter of intimacy (not physical sexual intimacy, rather closeness, trust, and a feeling safety and acceptance.) Let me explain.

 Darryl Bem has a set of factors which he calls The Exotic becomes the Erotic. It's a total of 6 factors that play into the tendencies for Same-Sex Attraction. What happens is that we are all made of a different make-up. Children display a wide range of temperaments. Some are more calm, others are more aggressive, some are passive, some are active. Anyone that has had more than one child can see this within weeks and months after their births. That is the first factor.  We all know those girls or boys that liked things of the opposite gender growing up. There was nothing wrong with it, a little 4 year old girl can go play in the dirt just fine, a little 3 year-old boy can hold a baby doll. It's considered cute and fun. That is the 2nd factor. And there is nothing wrong with either of those factors. It doesn't change your gender-attraction at all. At this point you’re still a boy or still a girl, with hardly another care in the world. 

      As the child (we'll say a young boy to keep things simple) grows, he begins to feel a little left out. The other boys like playing with dirt and trucks, and worms. He simply doesn't want to get dirty. So in a sense the other boys start to reject him. Factor 3. Note-He still isn't Gay. 

4th Factor- He feels different from the other boys. Not Gay different, rather he just doesn't know how to play with them like he does the girls. 5th Factor- He develops an interest in the boys (NOT in a sexual way), just because they do different things them him. He is curious; he wants to figure them out. Note this often occurs the same time other boys begin to take an interest in girls. (Remember girls still have cooties... but it’s important to see that the boys are beginning to be interested in those that are different from themselves). The boy we are using as an example plays with girls just fine. There is nothing unusual about them; he "gets them" in a sense; they are just "normal."

      Okay, up to this point, there is still no "Gay" developing. This is normal interpersonal social developments. In the boys mind, "Gays" are still different from HIMSELF. 

      Factor 6. The interest becomes sexualized or romanticized. He begins thinking of boys in a sexual way or having physical affection normally reserved for the opposite gender. But that doesn't just happen on its own. There are two other sub-factors.

      ONE---Even at the age of 5, FIVE! Children are calling other children "Gay" because of their differences in personalities and likes. Of course this is going to get into the head and eventually make the young boy wonder, "Am I really? I MUST be..." As the boy grows, and eventually is at Factor 5, the term "Gay" is practically his nick-name. He begins to act that way... and he begins to fantasize. 

     TWO-- (And remember the delicacy of this) the majority of people that consider themselves Gay have been sexually molested. In fact, it is 4 times more likely for someone to say they are Gay later in life if earlier they were sexually abused or mistreated. Especially if this occurred during the stages for the normal process of sexual development. Also, 68% of Gay men, who were molested by the same gender, did NOT even consider thinking themselves gay until that moment of molestation.

     

Bodies react. If you do something to stimulate it, it will be stimulated. That does not mean that your attraction is to that gender. That just means that your body is doing what it is supposed to. However, those who have an experience in which their body is aroused (especially those who have already been labeled or set apart from society), often subconsciously think "Whoa, I reacted to that..." Then they likely will experiment to "double-check". Obviously a similar reaction is going to occur. They are still in the stages of sexual development so all this is new to them. They take the reaction as positive proof, and come to the conclusion, "I must be Gay."

Again, please remember to be sensitive about this with others. And do you begin to see how being gay wasn't a matter of sexuality? Rather it was a desire to be close to those that you’re not typically close to. It's a desire for feelings closeness, trust, and safety and acceptance. It is something that most people - whether they are straight or whether they struggle with Same-Sex Attraction - don't even see or realize until working closely with a counselor. It's not something to be made light of. And it’s not something to consider unreal. Those who have Same-Sex Attraction really do develop feelings and attachments for that gender. However, it can be overcome if one is sincerely willing, and seeks the right help. 

Please, please, please don't think that I have any prejudices against those who are gay. It's simply not the case. I know that we are all Sons and Daughters of a loving Heavenly Father, a God, who wants us to have the utmost happiness. For that reason have I shared this, in order and in an effort to bring a greater understanding to those who are seeking it. 

Also, I’m aware that there are additional factors that play into Gay tendencies. Here is just a beginning for you, and for more understanding, please view the following resources.

ABC NEWS, Men, Women and the Sex Difference. (50min)  http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=0&EndCue=1420&VideoName=Same%20sex%20attraching&VideoType=lectures 

BYU Instructor, Same-Sex Attraction (25min) http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=18&EndCue=2839&VideoName=5687_vcs&VideoType=libraryvideos

Also there is an INCREDIBLE book, I wish EVERYONE could read. It is called Understanding Same-Sex Attraction: Where to Turn and How to Help. It looks like this:

It's about $20 at Deseret Book, and well-worth your penny. 

"Wow! with all this gay marriage stuff I am so glad to have a prophet of God here on the earth to help us know God's will. The prophet has declared that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God." The church understands that some people are gay and wants to help but "the Church is strongly on the record as opposing same-sex marriage." Elder Holland stated, "no one is entitled to act as if God is mute on these subjects." I know God's stance on gay marriage, will do what I can to oppose it and will not support it in the slightest."


It's not that I don't care for or love those who struggle with same sex attraction, but I honestly, truthfully, cannot and will not support it when I know that it goes against the natural Laws and commandments of God. I'm also grateful for the Family Proclamation that was given to us long before any of this became an issue. Goes to show that the Lord knew and firmly stated His word years in advance.
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1995/10/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng

Feel free to also view this website, in which it more fully address the LDS (Mormon) beliefs regarding Gays in a non-attacking or degrading manner.  

http://www.mormonsandgays.org/

More on Dating

 

Image from How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk by John Van Epp

You should never do more of the preceding column then of the first. For example, you should never trust someone more than you know them. You should never touch them more then you are committed to them.  In fact, this picture is a wonderful example of what relationships should be like (ESPECIALLY before marriage). Make sure that there is always a balance.