Let me elaborate on my last post.
It's not that Gay isn't real. It's not that people don't
REALLY have those attractions. However, there is a lot more to it than meets
the eye. Even those (male or female) who struggle with same-sex attraction
often don't realize or see some of these things.
I ask that you read this with an open heart and an open
mind. And if you really want to understand... you will. I don't doubt that
there will be those close minded, hard-hearted, and firm in their ways and that
this entry alone will bring a lot of controversy. This also is not intended for
children's ears, but parents can use it at their discretion. I am mainly
posting this in an effort to help the following people.
- Those who do not understand Gays, and don't know what to think, or how to act around them.
- Those who are struggling with Same-Sex attraction, and don't like it, want to change, or even just to understand it.
- Those who are not sure what their stance is regarding this topic.
First off, I truly believe that there are those who
literally struggle with same-sex attraction. It's not something made up.
However, it is important to note, that it is NOT inborn, and it is NOT
permanent or unchangeable.
Homosexuality is not genetic. There is no "gay
center" in the brain. Statistic that claim there is, have been twisted and
turned to say what others want to hear. Yet, truthfully they prove
otherwise. However, there are genetics, inborn traits and qualities that
are consistent with the gender at birth. That means that your gender is an
essential characteristic of who you really are, of your divinity.
So what is "Gay"? Why do people experience those
feelings and tendencies?
Now this is where things become especially delicate. If you
know of someone who is Gay or you are innocent minded please be cautious as you
read this. Also be tender in your dealings with others, so as to not
offend.
Being Gay is not a matter of sex. It's a matter of intimacy
(not physical sexual intimacy, rather closeness, trust, and a feeling safety
and acceptance.) Let me explain.
Darryl Bem has a set of factors which he calls The
Exotic becomes the Erotic. It's a total of 6 factors that play into the
tendencies for Same-Sex Attraction. What happens is that we are all made of a
different make-up. Children display a wide range of temperaments. Some are more
calm, others are more aggressive, some are passive, some are active. Anyone
that has had more than one child can see this within weeks and months after
their births. That is the first factor. We all know those girls or
boys that liked things of the opposite gender growing up. There was nothing
wrong with it, a little 4 year old girl can go play in the dirt just fine, a
little 3 year-old boy can hold a baby doll. It's considered cute and fun. That
is the 2nd factor. And there is nothing wrong with either of those factors.
It doesn't change your gender-attraction at all. At this point you’re still a
boy or still a girl, with hardly another care in the world.
As the child (we'll say a
young boy to keep things simple) grows, he begins to feel a little left out.
The other boys like playing with dirt and trucks, and worms. He simply doesn't
want to get dirty. So in a sense the other boys start to reject him. Factor
3. Note-He still isn't Gay.
4th Factor-
He feels different from the other boys. Not Gay different, rather he just
doesn't know how to play with them like he does the girls. 5th Factor-
He develops an interest in the boys (NOT in a sexual way), just because they do
different things them him. He is curious; he wants to figure them out. Note
this often occurs the same time other boys begin to take an interest in girls.
(Remember girls still have cooties... but it’s important to see that the boys
are beginning to be interested in those that are different from themselves). The
boy we are using as an example plays with girls just fine. There is nothing
unusual about them; he "gets them" in a sense; they are just
"normal."
Okay, up to this point, there
is still no "Gay" developing. This is normal interpersonal social
developments. In the boys mind, "Gays" are still different from
HIMSELF.
Factor 6. The interest
becomes sexualized or romanticized. He begins thinking of boys in a sexual way
or having physical affection normally reserved for the opposite gender. But
that doesn't just happen on its own. There are two other sub-factors.
ONE---Even at the age
of 5, FIVE! Children are calling other children "Gay" because of
their differences in personalities and likes. Of course this is going to get into
the head and eventually make the young boy wonder, "Am I really? I MUST
be..." As the boy grows, and eventually is at Factor 5, the term
"Gay" is practically his nick-name. He begins to act that way... and
he begins to fantasize.
TWO-- (And remember the delicacy
of this) the majority of people that consider themselves Gay have been
sexually molested. In fact, it is 4 times more likely for someone to say they
are Gay later in life if earlier they were sexually abused or mistreated. Especially
if this occurred during the stages for the normal process of sexual
development. Also, 68% of Gay men, who were molested by the same gender, did
NOT even consider thinking themselves gay until that moment of molestation.
Bodies react. If you do something
to stimulate it, it will be stimulated. That does not mean that your attraction
is to that gender. That just means that your body is doing what it is supposed
to. However, those who have an experience in which their body is aroused
(especially those who have already been labeled or set apart from society),
often subconsciously think "Whoa, I reacted to that..." Then they
likely will experiment to "double-check". Obviously a similar
reaction is going to occur. They are still in the stages of sexual development
so all this is new to them. They take the reaction as positive proof, and come
to the conclusion, "I must be Gay."
Again, please remember to be sensitive about this with
others. And do you begin to see how being gay wasn't a matter of sexuality?
Rather it was a desire to be close to those that you’re not typically close to.
It's a desire for feelings closeness, trust, and safety and acceptance. It is
something that most people - whether they are straight or whether they struggle
with Same-Sex Attraction - don't even see or realize until working closely with
a counselor. It's not something to be made light of. And it’s not something to
consider unreal. Those who have Same-Sex Attraction really do develop feelings
and attachments for that gender. However, it can be overcome if one is
sincerely willing, and seeks the right help.
Please, please, please don't think that I have any
prejudices against those who are gay. It's simply not the case. I know that we
are all Sons and Daughters of a loving Heavenly Father, a God, who wants us to
have the utmost happiness. For that reason have I shared this, in order and in
an effort to bring a greater understanding to those who are seeking it.
Also, I’m aware that there are additional factors that play
into Gay tendencies. Here is just a beginning for you, and for more understanding,
please view the following resources.
ABC NEWS, Men, Women and the Sex Difference. (50min)
http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=0&EndCue=1420&VideoName=Same%20sex%20attraching&VideoType=lectures
BYU Instructor, Same-Sex Attraction (25min)
http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=18&EndCue=2839&VideoName=5687_vcs&VideoType=libraryvideos
Also there is an INCREDIBLE book, I wish EVERYONE could
read. It is called Understanding Same-Sex Attraction: Where to Turn and How
to Help. It looks like this:
It's about $20 at Deseret Book, and well-worth your
penny.
