Saturday, March 30, 2013

What Makes Someone Gay?

Let me elaborate on my last post. 

It's not that Gay isn't real. It's not that people don't REALLY have those attractions. However, there is a lot more to it than meets the eye. Even those (male or female) who struggle with same-sex attraction often don't realize or see some of these things.

I ask that you read this with an open heart and an open mind. And if you really want to understand... you will. I don't doubt that there will be those close minded, hard-hearted, and firm in their ways and that this entry alone will bring a lot of controversy. This also is not intended for children's ears, but parents can use it at their discretion. I am mainly posting this in an effort to help the following people. 
  • Those who do not understand Gays, and don't know what to think, or how to act around them.
  • Those who are struggling with Same-Sex attraction, and don't like it, want to change, or even just to understand it.
  • Those who are not sure what their stance is regarding this topic.
First off, I truly believe that there are those who literally struggle with same-sex attraction. It's not something made up. However, it is important to note, that it is NOT inborn, and it is NOT permanent or unchangeable. 

 Homosexuality is not genetic. There is no "gay center" in the brain. Statistic that claim there is, have been twisted and turned to say what others want to hear. Yet, truthfully they prove otherwise.  However, there are genetics, inborn traits and qualities that are consistent with the gender at birth. That means that your gender is an essential characteristic of who you really are, of your divinity. 

So what is "Gay"? Why do people experience those feelings and tendencies?

Now this is where things become especially delicate. If you know of someone who is Gay or you are innocent minded please be cautious as you read this. Also be tender in your dealings with others, so as to not offend. 

Being Gay is not a matter of sex. It's a matter of intimacy (not physical sexual intimacy, rather closeness, trust, and a feeling safety and acceptance.) Let me explain.

 Darryl Bem has a set of factors which he calls The Exotic becomes the Erotic. It's a total of 6 factors that play into the tendencies for Same-Sex Attraction. What happens is that we are all made of a different make-up. Children display a wide range of temperaments. Some are more calm, others are more aggressive, some are passive, some are active. Anyone that has had more than one child can see this within weeks and months after their births. That is the first factor.  We all know those girls or boys that liked things of the opposite gender growing up. There was nothing wrong with it, a little 4 year old girl can go play in the dirt just fine, a little 3 year-old boy can hold a baby doll. It's considered cute and fun. That is the 2nd factor. And there is nothing wrong with either of those factors. It doesn't change your gender-attraction at all. At this point you’re still a boy or still a girl, with hardly another care in the world. 
      As the child (we'll say a young boy to keep things simple) grows, he begins to feel a little left out. The other boys like playing with dirt and trucks, and worms. He simply doesn't want to get dirty. So in a sense the other boys start to reject him. Factor 3. Note-He still isn't Gay. 
4th Factor- He feels different from the other boys. Not Gay different, rather he just doesn't know how to play with them like he does the girls. 5th Factor- He develops an interest in the boys (NOT in a sexual way), just because they do different things them him. He is curious; he wants to figure them out. Note this often occurs the same time other boys begin to take an interest in girls. (Remember girls still have cooties... but it’s important to see that the boys are beginning to be interested in those that are different from themselves). The boy we are using as an example plays with girls just fine. There is nothing unusual about them; he "gets them" in a sense; they are just "normal."
      Okay, up to this point, there is still no "Gay" developing. This is normal interpersonal social developments. In the boys mind, "Gays" are still different from HIMSELF. 
      Factor 6. The interest becomes sexualized or romanticized. He begins thinking of boys in a sexual way or having physical affection normally reserved for the opposite gender. But that doesn't just happen on its own. There are two other sub-factors.

      ONE---Even at the age of 5, FIVE! Children are calling other children "Gay" because of their differences in personalities and likes. Of course this is going to get into the head and eventually make the young boy wonder, "Am I really? I MUST be..." As the boy grows, and eventually is at Factor 5, the term "Gay" is practically his nick-name. He begins to act that way... and he begins to fantasize. 

     TWO-- (And remember the delicacy of this) the majority of people that consider themselves Gay have been sexually molested. In fact, it is 4 times more likely for someone to say they are Gay later in life if earlier they were sexually abused or mistreated. Especially if this occurred during the stages for the normal process of sexual development. Also, 68% of Gay men, who were molested by the same gender, did NOT even consider thinking themselves gay until that moment of molestation.
     
Bodies react. If you do something to stimulate it, it will be stimulated. That does not mean that your attraction is to that gender. That just means that your body is doing what it is supposed to. However, those who have an experience in which their body is aroused (especially those who have already been labeled or set apart from society), often subconsciously think "Whoa, I reacted to that..." Then they likely will experiment to "double-check". Obviously a similar reaction is going to occur. They are still in the stages of sexual development so all this is new to them. They take the reaction as positive proof, and come to the conclusion, "I must be Gay."


Again, please remember to be sensitive about this with others. And do you begin to see how being gay wasn't a matter of sexuality? Rather it was a desire to be close to those that you’re not typically close to. It's a desire for feelings closeness, trust, and safety and acceptance. It is something that most people - whether they are straight or whether they struggle with Same-Sex Attraction - don't even see or realize until working closely with a counselor. It's not something to be made light of. And it’s not something to consider unreal. Those who have Same-Sex Attraction really do develop feelings and attachments for that gender. However, it can be overcome if one is sincerely willing, and seeks the right help. 

Please, please, please don't think that I have any prejudices against those who are gay. It's simply not the case. I know that we are all Sons and Daughters of a loving Heavenly Father, a God, who wants us to have the utmost happiness. For that reason have I shared this, in order and in an effort to bring a greater understanding to those who are seeking it. 

Also, I’m aware that there are additional factors that play into Gay tendencies. Here is just a beginning for you, and for more understanding, please view the following resources.

ABC NEWS, Men, Women and the Sex Difference. (50min)  http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=0&EndCue=1420&VideoName=Same%20sex%20attraching&VideoType=lectures 

BYU Instructor, Same-Sex Attraction (25min) http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=18&EndCue=2839&VideoName=5687_vcs&VideoType=libraryvideos

Also there is an INCREDIBLE book, I wish EVERYONE could read. It is called Understanding Same-Sex Attraction: Where to Turn and How to Help. It looks like this:
It's about $20 at Deseret Book, and well-worth your penny. 

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