Divorce: The Process, Predictors and Protections.

Divorce. That is a nasty word. I hope it's not even in your marital vocabulary.

Did you know that 70% of Divorcees, two years after the divorce, said not only that they could have saved the marriage but that they should have saved the marriage. 

Also, did you know that 62% of American Children have spent time living with others than their own parents (such as a step parent). 

Today I'm addressing a few points of divorce regarding the process, the predictors, and the protections against it. I do this with the hope that knowledge will prevent the mistakes of ignorance.

Process of Divorce:

• Divorce really peaked in the 70's. 
• This is when No Fault Divorce was instituted-Meaning one needed no solid reason (i.e. abuse, etc.) for divorce, but it could be completed just because someone wanted to, and neither party was held accountable.
•  Marriage became a contract not a covenant (it was considered a covenant in legal terms, not just in religious terms)
• Problems with Child Custody arose.
• 2nd and 3rd marriages are more vulnerable and more likely to end in divorce then 1st marriages.
• Children of divorced parents are more likely to perceive “out” to be a solution, instead of “work it out”.

Predictors of Divorce:

• Parents who divorce are much more likely to have children that divorce.
• Emotional instability affects the quality of marriage and even post marriage recovery. 
• Lack of an effective model (children whose parents divorce, or raised in unstable home)
• Children raised in unstable and non-traditional marriage homes have a high level of anxiety about marriage, and even second guess after marriage. 
• Cohabitation increases divorces significantly more than if a couple remains separate until marriage.

Protections from Divorce:

• Center family, and marriage on Jesus Christ and His teachings.  
• Learn to solve problems! Even before marriage!
• Don't share marital problems with anyone but spouse --unless seeking counseling (in which it should be done together) or in abusive situations.
• Date properly (you will marry not just WHO you date, but HOW you date)
• Have open and effective communication (takes hard work!)
• Avoid attachment with others outside of marriage (including too close attachments to siblings, parents, or friends whether male or female.)
• Do not engage in private activity on social networking sites (share passwords or accounts)
• Never look at someone in such a way that you would not want your spouse to know (including "Facebook stalking" or viewing pictures on other social networks).
• Avoid blaming spouse (for infertility, hardships, stress etc.).
• Just be smart!

Often times an “adults crying is called complaining.” When we hurt, or are lonely, or need a little extra-attention we send out “feelers” seeking more attention and to see if others will respond. It’s a subconscious cry saying you need to feel loved. Yet it comes across as complaining or belittling to the other party. If communication is not adequately given to the other party, then often as their own default mechanism they start to withdraw. Not because they don’t love you, but because that is their coping technique.  

However, any divorce almost ALWAYS starts emotionally first. There is a sort of emotional detachment from the spouse as one partner feels or does one (or multiple) of the following.

• Feel they can be a little more independent-not share things with spouse.
• Misread or do not communicate accurately the portrayed feelings from spouse.
• Making bonds with others beside spouse
• Being hurt by spouse (whether intentional or not), and keeping those feelings to self or expressing them to others outside of spouse.
• Not disclosing true emotions (not communicating feelings)
• Being a “score keeper” (i.e. I did the dishes, can’t he at least take out the garbage, or I feel/do this and this, and he does nothing!)
• You don’t laugh together or surprise each other, romantic life decreases (sometimes this is due to one spouse “holding it as punishment” and trying to make the other spouse feel bad. This is the “adult crying” mentioned above.)
• Repeatedly easily irritated by spouse, think negative thoughts often about spouse or your marriage, and disagreements quickly escalate to fights.
• Etc. Etc.

It’s important to catch these flags and make sure you always lean into each other, trust each other, especially emotionally. Communicate. Whatever happens, make sure that you aren’t “leaning away” or withdrawing from each other in anyway.

As read in the Deseret News it says, “Don't panic if your marriage fits some items on the list - just take action from this day forward to put your relationship in good repair. Marriage is an edifice that needs to be rebuilt every day. In every other aspect of your life you do maintenance - on cars, houses, clothes, jobs.

"Now think of your marriage as needing continual restoration and revitalization. The investment you make will come back to you.”

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/31816/EMOTIONAL-DIVORCE-LURKS-AROUND-THE-CORNER.html?pg=all