Scenario:
You and your spouse get into an argument. Immediately afterword
(you’re still a little heated and the problem is still unresolved) you run into
an old friend (or your mom calls). What do you do?
It is human nature to want to vent, and relieve the stress
and pressure we feel. Especially when the one who is generally the closest to
us has hurt or offended us. Next best option is to call up one of your parents
and get it off your chest, or tell your
best friend what’s going on… right? WRONG!!!
Don’t even think about it!
If there is a conflict between you are your spouse, it needs
to stay between you and your spouse (unless in abusive situations). It is detrimental
to your relationship in more ways than one. Here are some of the points that show this.
·
Violates the trust your marriage is based upon
o
How would you like to know he/she was talking
bad behind your back? How would you like to know that all his or her friends
thought negatively of you…only because of what they have heard?
·
Gives a “sour taste” in the mouth of others- and
that’s what they will remember
o
Once the words are out, you can’t take them
back. Even after you and your spouse resolve the conflict. Everyone else will
still remember the conflict.
·
Festers and builds up the anger/frustration you
have against your spouse.
o
Let’s face it, you’re just going to think you
are more “justified” in your own position and that your spouse is “all wrong”
·
Friends/ Family may give biased opinions
o
Sometimes, too much involvement can ruin a truly
good relationship. Why do you want to risk it?
I could go on. In fact, if you have any, please add them.
But here is a thought
to consider; don’t be afraid to get help. Talking to a Family and Marriage therapist
is a good thing. However, don’t try to get counseling on your own… work
together with your spouse. It’s been shown that couples who seek out individual
counseling, rather than joint marriage counseling are MORE likely to end up in
a divorce then if they hadn’t had counseling at all? You may ask, “Why is that?
I’m trying; I’m going to a counselor.” But that just it, it’s still “you, me, I”
not we. When you are there it may make you feel better, but it builds more
resentment between you and your spouse.
It’s said that there are 4 C’s to having good intimacy in
your marriages: Communication,
compatibility, chemistry, and closeness. Note the very first one is
communication. Talk to your spouse. Work things out. In the process be sure
that you don’t attack your spouse. Instead of saying, “You do this…” expresses
how you feel, such as “I feel sad when…” Try not to command “You should…”, but
ask, “Would you mind…”
Don’t be afraid to love, and show that love. Yes your
feelings and opinions are important, but so are your spouses, make sure those
needs are listened to and met.
Thanks for this post! I totally agree with it 100% I don't think it is ever wise to share with others when you and your spouse are having a difficulty. I think it should always be just between the two of you. It makes for a stronger relationship when you know that your spouse doesn't go around talking about your problems with others.
ReplyDeleteI agree. I've even heard a Church leader say that gossiping about one's spouse can be a form of adultery--it betrays their trust.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!
Aunt Ellen
Let's start off with a few basics that may seem - at first blush - boringly obvious or oversimplified.
ReplyDeleteFirst, what is an argument between husband and wife? Isn't it simply just two people holding firm on their own opinions? That is how it always seems to be in my marriage. I think I am right and my spouse feels the same about their opinion.
Second, if you have just had an argument, are you going to talk to your in-laws? Especially ones that share your spouse's world-view or values? Nope. You are going to talk (or "vent") to the people that share your own viewpoints.
Third, what perpetuated the war in heaven?
So what of these painfully obvious points just made? Let's bring some different context into each one.
First, in order for the argument, you and your spouse had to separate into opposing sides of the issue. Things like that happen. But now you are on opposite sides of each other and marriage is about working together or side-by-side.
Second, the tendency to share the issue outside of marriage is really only an attempt to gather like-minded individuals to your own "side" of the issue. We always feel more secure in a like-minded crowd. But this only bolsters our own position opposite that of our spouse. It only serves to further isolate us from each other - the antithesis of marriage.
Third, the adversary "shared" his grievances with like minded people. He became more solidified in his "position" or opinions as more folks "joined" his "side" of the argument. His selfishness was reinforced to the point he, and his "camp" were willing to be cast out of heaven - a divorce in marriage terms. How much and how long do you really want to share your argument issues with others?
Wrapping up this rather long reply, ultimately you and your spouse must figure out how to resolve the argument together, with the aid of the gospel of Jesus Christ. (If you feel stuck - a good therapist may help you get started.) I bring up these painfully obvious facts for one simple reason. King Noah.
Now you must think I have gone looney.
But remember, King Noah ultimately decided to make the right choice and set Abinadi free. But he had surrounded himself with so many wicked priests that, voicing their opinions, stirred him up, and ultimately got him to change his mind to the wrong choice.
You may never, I repeat, never fully resolve every argument in your marriage. Two big elements of marriage are sacrifice and capitulation. If you have gone about blabbing your problems to like minded people, you have pulled a "King Noah". You may later resolve to not let the difference of opinion "get under your skin" and pull you apart from your spouse, but those "wicked" priests you brought in will be right there to aggravate the issue again and again for a long time. Your spouse may or may not care what you share with your so-called "friends". But your "friends" will make YOUR decision to change-for-the-better a life-long struggle.
Keep it betwixt yourselves. You will both find it easier to come back together.
P.S. Argument or not, sharing intimate details or criticisms about your spouse with others is ALWAYS a bad thing for your marriage. Alternatively, sharing with others thoughtful, genuine good and positive points about your spouse will ALWAYS return good toward your marriage.